I think I will always hold a candle for you — even until it burns my hand.

And when the light has long since gone …. I will be there in the darkness holding what remains,

Quite simply because I cannot let go.”

― Ranata Suzuki

********

One week.

Advay’s hands trembled; the scotch spluttering all over his hand and onto the floor as he filled his glass. He hadn’t had a drop of alcohol from the morning she’d disappeared.

Although, unable to bear his grief, he had almost sipped on a drink two nights after Chandini’s disappearance, but had caught himself moments before the glass had touched his lips. He’d made her a promise. He’d have to honour it….maybe then she’d return to him.

But for the last couple of days, just out of habit, he’d started sitting out on the terrace, resting on his easy chair with a drink in hand, his gaze locked on the moon, his thoughts lost forever upon the beautiful smile of his wife.

He had barely slept, barely eaten….the blood pouring from his heart burning like hot acid. Sitting out, gazing at the moon was the only way he was able to cool some of the fire corroding his being.

A week. He peeked to his side, towards her bedroom, telling himself she was there, on the other side of the window, peeking at him from the gap in the hinges.

For three mornings after her disappearance, he’d found himself at the bottom of the stairs, curling her footprints. On the fourth morning, he’d finally woken up howling her name. His mind finally having registered his greatest loss.

This morning, he’d found himself gazing at her pillow, wondering where she’d disappeared to. Her pictures and her videos his only solace during his lonely hours when he wasn’t searching for her.

They had looked for everywhere. He had searched every inch of the woodlands where he’d found her saree. While the divers had scoured through every boulder and pebble at the bed of river, searching for any clues.

But the divers had all returned empty handed, much to his relief.

It seemed like as though she had disappeared into thin air, like smoke.

“Bhaiyya, dinner.” A stone-faced Murli strode up to him and tossed a plate on the table beside Advay.

But Advay continued to keep his eyes closed, he was listening to Chandini’s chirps from the night of Meghu’s wedding, through his ear-phones.

“Bhaiyya.” Murli tapped his shoulder. Feeding him had become a nightmare for the last week. Neither one of them had barely eaten for the first three days. But when Advay had almost collapsed on the stairs one morning, Murli had made it his mission to ensure he’d force-feed him if he had to. After all he had a promise to keep. A promise he’d made to his darling Bhabhi.

“I’m not hungry, Murli.” Advay glanced at the plate with a cringe. The thought of food was making him sick in his gut. Liquids, he’d been able to gulp, but solid food held no lure anymore.

But his gaze fell on the small cup of Halwa she’d made. He’d been eating a spoonful every evening, devouring it as slowly as he possibly could, just to hold on to her for that much longer.

“You’re going to have to eat.”

“I can’t Murli.” He picked the bowl of Halwa. “I can’t anything, other than this.”

Murli raked his hair, he too was finding it impossible to consume anything too. But what was worse, was that she’d been missing for a week.

“Its been a week,” he choked. “When are you declaring the date?”

Advay slowly lifted his gaze to him, confused by his question.

“Temple opening.” Murli raised his brow. “It was meant to happen some time next week, right?”

“What are you…” It was an effort now to even hold a conversation.

“When are you dying?” Murli wiped the tears that wouldn’t stop pouring. “Chalo, lets get this plan quickly under way. Tell me when you plan on opening the temple. I need to set you on fire. I need to get away from all this mess as soon as I can.”

“Why are you crying?” Advay wasn’t even listening to him.

“Its been a week, Bhaiyya.” Murli finally burst into a sob. “One week…This house…that kitchen…I cannot. I need to go. Please. Please let me go.”

He fell to Advay’s feet and wept.

“We’ll find her, Murli.” Advay stroked his hair and chuckled wryly. “She’ll come back. She’s hiding from me. She’s angry.”

“You think she’s angry?” Murli shot his angry eyes to Advay. “You think she’s hiding from you?”

“Yes, what else is this?” Despite his tears, he chuckled again. “When she was a child, she always hid from me whenever she was angry with me. Usually under the bed…this time she’s taken it a bit too far.”

“She left you Bhaiyya,” Murli choked. “She’d gone….she’s not hiding…she didn’t want to live apart from you…She chose to die, as your wife.”

“Just shut fuck up…alright?” Advay glared at him. “This is my Chandini we’re talking about….She has a long life ahead of her…don’t you fucking say such things for her.”

But Murli’s tears wouldn’t stop. A week….she’d been gone for a week. They’d done everything. They’d stuck her pictures, put her name in the news, put it all over twitter and made it public knowledge that the Mahantani of the temple had slipped and fallen into the river. More than a hundred people were looking for her frantically. Yet, there had been no news. No lead even. The chances of her being alive had long dwindled. The divers feared her body was perhaps trapped between weeds at the bed of the river or somewhere between boulders. It was time they all prepared for the worst now. And his brother was to blame.

Wiping his tears, he picked the plate and moved closer to Advay. “What is the plan now?”

Advay frowned at him in disbelief. “What plan? I need to look for my wife…that is the fucking mission of my life now.”

“And the temple? Revenge? All that.”

With his fingers running over the rim of his glass of scotch, Advay sighed. “There is no revenge happening anymore. I made Chandini a promise that morning. I promised I’d never harm myself.”

Murli’s eyes grew wide, in horror, in relief too. The thought of losing both his brother and his Bhabhi had rendered him sleepless….but if his brother had dropped his madness……despite the gloom, his heart soared in joy.

“I wanted to tell her truth, Murli,” Advay choked this time. “Something happened that morning. I’m not sure what it was…but I had a change of heart. It came from within me. It’s never happened before…I wanted to start all over. Trust me, I wanted to.”

Murli nodded, his gaze pitiful as he studied his brother. Perhaps that was the irony of his bother’s life. He’d have to live on, burdened with the memories of everyone he loved, and lost. His wife being the worst blow of his life after the way in which he’d lost his mother.

“You must eat, Bhaiyya.” He cajoled Advay again. “If you made her a promise to not harm yourself, then not eating is not going to help you.”

Advay shot his eyes at Murli as he deliberated on his words.

“At least, have some rice and dal. Think of Bhabhi when you have it.”

Nodding, Advay helped himself to the plate. Rice and dal with ghee, the memory of how fondly he’d fed her the night before the storm flashed before his eyes. She had meticulously licked his fingers like a child. He could still feel her soft mouth against his skin.

Despite all the various delicacies she’d prepared for him, she’d wanted to eat plain dal and rice. It should have rung bells in his head, but he’d been so enamoured with her all day, he’d missed out on all the signs.

Tears rolled down his eyes as he slowly ate a spoonful. She’d been missing for a week. Had she eaten? She had to be hungry. And his mind was unwilling to even consider the inevitable.

But as Murli kept his gaze on Advay, his mind was thinking the worse. He was worried her soul was perhaps trapped between the realms…hungry maybe, thirsty, he wasn’t sure. But sad and lonely for sure. They had to find her, and if not they’d have to give her a proper farewell so she’d pass over with peace.

“She outsmarted me Murli,” Advay choked again. “I thought I was playing her…. turned out she had been playing me all along.”

Murli didn’t want to listen to anything, his blood was boiling since that morning when she’d gone missing. Perhaps it had been boiling ever since Inder had turned up. Or maybe even before.

“You are responsible,” he snapped. “You drove her to the point she was forced to take her life. She was planning on moving to Mumbai…but no, you wanted to dictate where she lived, who she married, and how many children she had with some random man….. You….you murdered her…..you murdered my Bhabhi.”

Trembling, Advay looked at him in disbelief, before he found his voice. “I wanted to keep her safe, that’s all.”

“Well she’s safe now. The safest she could have ever have been….And she’s safe from you.”

“Murli,” Advay breathed at his callous comments. “I just wanted her to be happy with a good man…not with someone like me.”

“And what’s wrong with you Bhaiyya?”

“You know I couldn’t… I .. my Maa.”

“Haan toh teek hai naa, your Maa is calling you, I get that .. just have your dinner and leave me alone.”

“I need to look for my Chandini, Murli… I know she is alive.. She can’t just leave me like this.”

“But you can leave her, right?” Murli shot his blood-shot eyes to Advay. “You can leave her. You can treat her anyhow you wish… But she… she cannot leave you …Waahh.”

Advay clenched his eyes shut.

“You still don’t realise what you have done .. do you?” Murli glared. “She was your wife and y…”

“She is still my wife.” Advay thundered, even before Murli finished his sentence.

“Okay…. She IS your wife, yet you wanted her to divorce you and marry someone else. Don’t you still see how wrong you are?”

“I wanted her to be happy.” He gulped back his tears.

“And her happiness was with you.”

With tears, Advay watched the moon hanging low in the sky… he wanted his moon back… his life back … his wife back in his arms.

“Asking any married woman to marry another man is a crime.” Murli broke into a sob. “And you know what is worse, you… her own husband pushed her to do so.”

Wiping his tears, he continued, “I have seen her weep… She’d smile in front of you…but once you’d leave…I’ve heard her sob all day sometimes. I didn’t know how to make her feel better. How many times I almost blurted the truth to her…but I kept shut, because it wasn’t my place. I feared what might happen if she found out her Dev was here, that her lie had caused her Janki Maa’s death. I wish I had told her the truth. I just wish.”

“She loved you.” He finally looked Advay in the eye. “She was so sweet and kind. And you ruined her. I wish she’d never met you.”

Perhaps Murli was right. Now in hindsight, Advay too wished she’d never met him. If only she’d never crashed into him that morning. If only he’d stuck to his plan and never met her.

Nodding, just as Advay was about to help himself to another spoonful of the dal, his phone rang. It was Singh.

Without a moment’s delay, he clicked it. “Where’s she?”

“Government hospital. City centre. Come now.”

But Advay had already sprung to his feet and made a run to the door. Murli too at his tow.

____

“Siddharth.” Advay frowned as soon as he jumped out of his car. Karan was hovering too, just behind Sid. “Where’s Singh? Where’s she?”

“We just got here…I’m trying Singh.” Sid pinched his brow and called Singh’s number, while they made out of car-park.

“Sir.” Singh waved at them from across the building.

Sid frowned to find Singh at the side of the building and not the front. “Which ward?” he yelled.

“This way.” Singh yelled back.

The four men sprinted towards the door where Singh had disappeared into.

“Is she conscious? Is she talking? Is she hurt?” Advay barked as he strode up to Singh into the dingy corridor. But he couldn’t help scrunch his face at how damp and dingy the place looked. The paint was peeling off the wall, while the floor was caked in dust.

“What the fuck is this place?” Advay hissed. How dare they keep his wife in a place like this? He had to have her moved immediately. But at least, his heart was beating in its place now.

“Is she hurt?” He asked Singh again. But Singh threw a knowing glance at Sid.

Karan circled one arm around Advay, while exchanging a furtive glance Sid.

And the moment they made a turn around the corner, Advay felt a punch in his gut.

They were standing in front of the Morgue.

He staggered back, his body shivering as he fell back against the cold wall behind him.

“Advay.” Karan caught him in time, while Sid gazed at him with pity.

“What kind of a fucking joke is this?” Advay croaked, unable to find his voice through the lump choking his throat.

“Listen, mate.” Sid knelt before as he scrambled back, unwilling to let anyone touch him. “We don’t know….you need to confirm.”

“I don’t need to fucking confirm anything…My wife is alive, alright?” he choked. His worst nightmares had all come alive.

“Sir, they found the body a few miles from where Mrs Raizada went missing. We don’t know for sure…but.” Singh glanced at Sid again. This was routine work, yet given how closely attached he had become to Advay and his family, he too couldn’t help the tears stinging his eyes.

“Advay.” Sid gripped his arm. “This is protocol mate. You need to confirm. And if you don’t, we’ll have to get someone else from the immediate family to do it. We need the body identified, one way or another.”

Burying his face in his hand, Advay broke into a loud sob. “Its not my wife. It cannot be her…she cannot leave me like this.. I won’t be able to survive without her.”

Murli was sobbing too, but when his gaze clashed with Sid, he wiped his tears. “Do you want me to?”

“It has to be immediate family, someone she is related to…I know you are, but…I’m sorry…..I’m just following procedures.”

Murli nodded, while Sid pulled his phone out and deliberated on whom to call. He finally rang Niru Mamaji’s number.

__

Forty minutes later, Advay still remained slumped in one corner, just outside the double doors leading to the dark dingy cold room where the hospital kept the bodies of the deceased.

Shikha remained pressed into his chest as they both sobbed together, while Mamaji was inside, taking a look at the body.

Advay sniffled, how many dead bodies he’d seen in his lifetime. How many he’d burned with his own hands. Some young, some old, some dead to disease, other crushed in accidents. Men, women, children too. Yet, it was impossible for him to see his beautiful wife turned into a lifeless limp decaying bundle of rotting flesh.

“Its not her, right?” Shikha wiped his tears with the edge of her dupatta. “It cannot be her.”

“Its not her.” Despite his tears, a voice told him life couldn’t be this cruel to him.

Yet, a chill crept down his spine as soon as a sobbing Mamaji staggered out of the morgue. He stiffened, his breath hitched in his throat, his ears unwilling to hear what he dreaded.

“I couldn’t recognise.” Mamaji wept. “Its beyond recognition.”

Advay heaved a deep breath of relief. It wasn’t his Chandini. It couldn’t be.

But he had seen hundreds of bodies in his life. Corpses didn’t scare him. They always calmed him.

“What is she wearing? Does it match?” He glared at Sid. “Collar? Saree? Jewellery? Does anything match?”

“It could all have been changed mate. Bodies we find are usually bereft of any jewellery.”

“Only DNA can confirm now.” Singh sighed as he helped Mamaji to his feet and patted him.

“That collar, its not easy to take it off.” Karan intervened.

Closing his eyes, Advay frowned to himself for a few moments.

“Let me have a look.” He finally wiped his eyes and got up. A voice in his heart was assuring him it wasn’t his wife.

“Jiju.” Shikha gripping his arms and shook her head, unwilling to let go of him, fearing the worst.

“Its not your sister. I can sense it now.” He handed her to Mamaji. “Stay here.”

But he glared at Sid. “Show her to me.”

“Are you sure?”

“Hmm.”

But the moment they opened the drawer and unzipped the body, a shiver ran down Advay’s spine. He had seen numerous rotting corpses, but it had been a while since he’d seen anything as badly damaged as this. The hair was peeling away. The flesh had been eaten away in several places…there were hollow sockets where once the person’s eyes would have been…And the stench, he wanted to retch.

Yet, he kept his unflinching gaze on the body, while chanting his prayers for the departed. And as he closed his eyes and called upon for guidance, a voice assured him it wasn’t his wife.

“Its not her.” His eyes scanned the body again as he declared.

“How can you be sure?”

“Chandini was smaller, shorter….her feet were tiny, and so pretty.”

“This body’s been in the water for a long time…there could be swelling.” One of the hospital staff, in charge of the morgue began explaining.

“Its not her.” Advay looked Sid in the eye. “I know it. And you know I know.”

Sid nodded, he wasn’t doubting Advay. But they had to follow procedures.

“Advay.” He squeezed his shoulder as they zipped up the body. “Listen mate, I’m your friend. Chandini was dear to me too…I don’t want to give up hope too. Yet, its time to prepare for the worst.”

“Prepare.” Advay shot his eyes to him. “Would you prepare had this been….” He stopped himself from saying Meghu’s name. He wouldn’t wish this upon anyone…not even his worst enemy let alone those he loved.

“Shekhar is gone for how long now….have you accepted it?” He glared at him instead.

Sid sighed heavily and nodded. It was impossible to prepare. He had lived through these horrors once, when he’d lost his brother…but Advay’s grief…He patted his back. “I’m sorry about what I said. But we will need to go through DNA checks…Its standard procedure. I’m just doing my job.”

“What do you need?”

“DNA samples, hair brush, tooth brush, fingernails, blood samples if any. Once we have her DNA, we don’t be bothering you like this again.”

“Tomorrow morning, I’ll see you at your office.”

He blew out a heavy breath and stepped outside where Mamaji, Murli, Karan and Shikha waited for him with bated breath.

“Its not her.”

Everyone sighed in relief, while Shikha broke into a sob in her Mamaji’s arms.

__________

Author’s note

Well my lovely people, what can I say, other than, what a journey this story has been. I know we have all discussed this chapter at length, yet now to re-visit it, given we are into the New Dawn series, it changes perspectives.

Do comment to let me know how this chapter affected you this time around, now that we know what happened to Chandini.

Love Chitra.

PS: When I re-read it, I wept again. This man and his greif. SIGH!